Random train of thought.

I have problems with what most people call Real Life. I know that when I was born I took a long time about it, I was overdue and the birthing process was long. My mother told me that it was as if I didn't really want to be born and that apparently it might somehow indicate how getting on in the Real World has always been a bit more of a struggle for me than it is for a lot of others. This haunts me from time to time. I don't let it rule me, I believe I should be responsible for my own life and not blame it on outside factors. I have been trying hard, but it is still not enough. I am just going have to keep trying.

I've been out of full time employment now since 2009 began. Sure, I have my Saturday job, but it cannot provide me with enough money to save for myself and my future, and pretty soon I won't even have that due to the upcoming closure of the business. I have been in this state of limbo now for three months and occassionally it gets me down. So many people feel worthless when they are not earning regular money and I am no exception. For some reason i've noticed in my life that when I am unemployed, a job usually turns up after three months, so i'm kind of banking on something coming up soon. I suppose that my time has not been completely wasted in that I have had a little experience with the field I am pursuing, but it is just not enough. Then there is that fear that when I finally do secure myself a job that it will be something painfully dull. I've never had a job that gave me any kind of satisfaction. When I have worked full time it was when I lived in my own place and had to pay rent, bills, council tax etc and I was never left with any money over for myself after all of those things were paid for. In other words, I barely earnt enough money to get by. The cost of living is too high. Now that I am in a position where working would enable me to save money since I live with my family again, no jobs are turning up.

I have of course, worked various magics. They are manifesting in little pushes in the right direction, something comes up but then it never follows through. Failure leads to lack of self-esteem and confidence and faith in oneself, all those good things you need in order to cast a successful spell. It's like being stuck in quicksand. I feel weaker and more helpless, sinking faster.

I failed to get another job today. I was talked out of staying any longer for the induction day I had today and was told that the world of sales was not for me. I knew this already but it still kind of hurt to be told this. In a sense I am relieved and have promised myself never to apply for a sales job ever again. I can't do it. I cannot persuade people to give me their money in return for something they don't truly want or need. I can't do pushy. Really I should just be glad that I must be a somewhat decent human being, but tragically, in this world, the less decent you are as a human being, the more likely you are to succeed in making money. And all the jobs I see on offer are sales jobs!

I live in a society where women can earn thousands of pounds by displaying their plastic orange bodies on the cover of magazines for men to masturbate over. A society where men can earn thousands of pounds for being good at a ball game which is played on a piece of grass. A society where people who care for other people, whether through nursing, caring, teaching etc get paid a lot less. A society which gives some of the highest financial rewards to those who don't give back anything truly worthwhile.

I don't really know where I am going with this post. I suppose I just want to say that we should never give up. I feel weak now but I might feel a little stronger again tomorrow, and the next day and the day after that. I've been in this situation before and i'm sick of feeling helpless about it. I'm just going to keep on going and continue to work on myself. I won't give up. A very common lesson many people try to teach us, but like so many of life's lessons, we can only truly learn from them once we have been in the relevant life situation and God knows i've been in this situation more times than I care to recall.

I've been struggling with my daily practices (all except the Yoga which I still manage to get done daily) My Isis work is probably a few days a week but not every day. The only thing I can honestly say that I have practised daily all these years is prayer.

I need to review my daily practices structure. It's time to break out the Book of Shadows again and go through my training exercises once more.